.first cut is the deepest.

Ask me to stay
tell me that I'm what you need
hold me back, I'm begging you.
You tell me
what you think I need to hear
never dreaming that all your words
are cutting me deeper.
Don't open the door
to push me through
I have no where, no one else to run to
hold me back, I'm begging you.
All that I want
is to know of your love
to know I'm the only one you think about
your words weigh more than you realize.
I'm close to walking
just to see if you'll follow
just so I know you'll hold me back
and that I don't have to beg you.
================================

I remember when I first wrote those words. I remember when I let Joe read those words. And I remember those tears. I came across this on my blog this morning. I came across a lot of things that I wrote last year and it only made this a lot more difficult on me. To be honest, Joe is the FIRST and ONLY guy that I ever saw a future with. And yet, I still managed to push him away. Most of you have NO idea what is going on with me...but in the past few days, my world has managed to completely fall apart.

For those of you who do know what's happened, don't think that I'm strong and taking this well. Because I'm not. I fall apart every chance that I get. Last night, I got drunk when I got home from Leann and Mike's place. I mean, I was already buzzing when I left their house but the minute I got home...I got crazier. I can't do this!

The story? Here it is...go ahead, pass your judgment. I deserve it.

I'm going to tell you the story of what happened. It was when I was working at DirecTech in Ft. Collins. Remember those days? I had met a couple people working there (Mandie and Jarred) and we started a tradition of meeting up at Mandie's every Friday night to drink and unwind from the past week. So...we had been hanging out on off days and drinking on Fridays for quite a while when January rolled around. And it's no secret that Jarred had always had a thing for me. He and Mandie hated Joe because they thought he spent more time on the computer than he did with me. They thought that he was too controlling when it came to our relationship. And they never hid the fact that they didn't like him...even when they came to our house. Anyway, one Friday night in particular (the night in question) I came over to Mandie's house and I was absolutely livid at Joe. Don't ask me why...because I honestly have no idea what the reason was. It was probably something he said that hurt my feelings or it was the game issue we've always had or maybe it was something else. I got totally wasted...I took shot after shot of Jack Daniels, Aftershock (EW!) and I had a few Mike's Hard Lemonades. It was me, Mandie, Jarred and a girl named Corey. Corey had it BAD for Jarred so I think that's why she was there. Anyhow, I was absolutely positively drunk and saying how much I needed to leave Joe because I was miserable with being second place in his life to a computer and his friends. I was running my mouth and I know that I said HORRIBLE things about my relationship with Joe. The last thing that I vividly remember is calling Joe before I passed out on the couch to tell him that I was too drunk to come home. And then, I passed out. I vaguely remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing some people going at it on the floor next to the couch. And I went back to sleep. The next morning, I woke up on the floor and I had my clothes on but the only thing missing were my pants. So, I figured that I must have taken them off sometime during the night and I may have just fallen on the floor since the couch was kinda small. I asked Mandie and Jarred NEVER to say anything to Joe about the things I said because I didn't want that to get back to him and hurt him....they swore to me that they wouldn't tell anyone. I also asked Jarred about who had sex on the floor and he said that it was Corey and him. And I let it go and it was also the last time that I went over to Mandie's to get drunk...I was just too embarrassed about how much I had to drink and the fact that I couldn't remember what happened. I had a nagging feeling that Jarred wasn't telling me everything that happened that night as well, but I didn't want to press the issue because I really honestly couldn't say what happened. Then, about a week after that happened they both call me and tell me that they saw Joe with another girl at the mall in Ft.CO and they were looking pretty cozy. I told them that Joe hadn't been in Ft.CO and he hates the mall but I asked Joe about it anyway. He confirmed that he hadn't been in Ft.CO and that he had no idea what they were talking about.

...Over the past couple months, Mandie and Jarred became room mates and Mandie confessed to me that she's insanely jealous that Jarred likes me so much because she thinks that she's in love with him. So, I sort of lost a good friend because she said that she can't be around me when she knows that the guy she loves loves someone else and that person is one of her best friends, as she put it. Bare in mind, that my room mates (Mike and Sara) both work with Mandie. They work at CenterPartners together. So last month, I was hanging out with a couple of friends from work and I told Joe that I was hanging out with Mandie. I know, I shouldn't have lied to him about who I was with but I didn't want to cause another issue with him because he doesn't necessarily like who I hang out with. He had no problems with Mandie so I told him that I was with her. Well, he found out that I wasn't and we had a fight. I admitted that I was with people from work and apologized and swore that I would never lie to him again. I felt so bad about doing that to him and put him through that. That same day, Mandie told Mike and Sara at work that she vividly remembers the night that I went over there and got wasted (she told them what I had said) AND she said that Jarred told her that he had sex with me. Mike came home and told Joe and of course, Joe confronted me. I confessed that I had gotten drunk and was running my mouth but I also told him that nothing ever happened with Jarred. I told him that Jarred told me that he had had sex with Corey. He believed me and we got over it. But Monday night came along. Apparently, Mandie's been telling everyone at work that Jarred constantly brags about the fact that he got me to have sex with him while I was with Joe and he also got away with it. So...Mike and Sara came home, went out with Joe, and the next thing that I know, Joe is calling me at 11:00 accusing me of cheating on him with Jarred. I found out yesterday that Joe called Jarred. And I guess Jarred told him that I made him promise me not to tell him and Joe asked him point blank if he had had sex with me and his answer? "You're going to have to ask Jenny about that." Joe took that for a yes. I don't know what happened that night. Part of me thinks that Mandie and Jarred are just fucking with me. And even if I slept with Jarred in a drunken haze, that wasn't ME. But wouldn't you think that I'd remember? Wouldn't you think that I would KNOW if I had cheated on Joe? And why wouldn't Mandie and Jarred talk to ME about it? Why would Jarred tell me that he had had sex with Corey that night instead of telling me that he had sex with me? Why would Mandie start all this drama at work and talk about me when the majority of everyone there has no idea who I am?

Joe says that he can't touch me. He says that he doesn't think he can ever touch me again because now he knows that he hasn't been the only one. We sat down yesterday and had a long talk about everything. He had originally told me that I could stay until I found another living arrangement. But I told him Tuesday that if he believes that I cheated on him and he wants out of this relationship, that that's fine...but he's going to be the one who packs his things and walks out our front door. Because I'm not going anywhere. We cried together and talked some more and then I asked him if he wanted his ring (the engagement ring) back. He started crying even harder and walked out of the room. I didn't get an answer. So...I gave him some time and went upstairs. I told him that he's my best friend and I'm not only losing the love of my life but I'm losing my best friend too and that hurts more than anything else. He told me that I was his best friend too and that he hated to lose me. I asked him if he wanted the ring back again and he said no. He told me that he'd given it to me and that I could wear it or not wear it or I could do whatever I wanted with it. Then, Mike and Sara came home and he went back to being cold with me again.

Maybe he honestly believes that I'm capable of cheating on him. You know, he's had girlfriends before me and they've all cheated on him and lied to him. Maybe he hasn't gotten past that but I do know that I'm nothing like those girls from his past. I'm different. I'm NOT them. I do know that cheating in his book is UNFORGIVABLE. Something that we can't ever get past. But god dammit! I DID NOT cheat on him. Yes, I put myself in a horrible situation and I have no idea what happened that night. Mandie won't talk to me. I called Jarred and all I got out of him was "I know you're miserable with Joe, and I don't want to see you hurt yourself anymore." What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I guess I could look at it that this probably is for the best. That it's better that this happens now than ten years from now. It just sucks balls because I was ready to spend the rest of my life with this man. My heart and everything else is totally crushed. I can hardly get through work because I can only think about Joe and what's happened. I can hardly sleep because he's next to me but his back is turned the other way. We've "broken up" before this, but this time it's different. This time, he doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me at all. And I don't know how to deal with that.

This morning, he came to bed around 4:45. We breifly talked about nothing in particular. He turned over and faced the wall on his side again and I tried to touch him and he pulled away. Do you know how that feels? Do you know how much THAT killed me? All of this is so hard for me but that moment just killed me completely. It was the moment that I realized that when people telling me to give him time and in a couple days, he'll come around or he'll miss me and want me back, yeah, that's a lie. Because he doesn't want a future with me anymore and I can't have him.

I just wish that I wasn't a ghost to him. I wish that I could talk to my best friend. I wish that I hadn't fucked up and ruined this from the start. I'm not necessarily feeling sorry for MYSELF...I'm just feeling sorry for US and what COULD'VE been.

Remember how I compared my life to a roller coaster? I can't get off the ride guys. There's only one way that I know how to and that's to jump off. And jumping off the ride scares me more than ever...

I'm lost.

- Jenny Lynn -

and this makes THREE...

...car accidents in, what? A two year period? I'm probably the worst driver alive.

My car is fine...there wasn't really any REAL damage done. It was just the worst possible time to happen. Technically, I don't think I even have my driver's license...but I'm not incredibly sure.

What happened? I was driving with the dogs in the backseat and the windows were down. It started to rain so I put the windows up but Collins' head was still in the way. I looked down for one MEASLY second and looked up again and the car ahead was stopped because it was taking a left. I slammed on my breaks but there was a puddle and the brakes pretty much did nothing. I slammed into them at the speed of maybe 5 MPH but it was still enough to trade some paint with the other car.

So...it could've been worse. I realize that. But I still can't help but feel a lot guilty. That's THREE fucking accidents that I've been in a two year period. Maybe I should stop driving, you think? I'll just go back to walking everywhere.

That's it. That's the story. I just thought I'd vent and tell you all that I suck. So...have a good night.

~ Jenny Lynn ~

just one of those days, I guess.

I need some love!

I'm not in a happy mood and I don't know why exactly. I'm just unusually grumpy.

:(

I'm Blogging!

Wow...all it took for me to update this thing was to read Nonnie's lastest blog entry! So...I'm blogging!!!!

What's new in the life of Jenny? Well...Joe and I are engaged. HURRAY! I think most of you knew that though, right? We're supposed to get married on June 2nd, 2007; however, it may get pushed back to the fall. It's mostly financial reasons and stuff. But, we're getting married in Bakersfield, Cali. so prepare for a roadtrip! I need to get the ball rolling on the wedding plans...but I don't know where to start! Do I look at dresses first? Do I book a place first? Do I decide on the wedding party? Do I start deciding on who's invited? See?! I'm a mess!!!

I'm also in the market for a job. I arrived home last week and received the news that I'm no longer needed as the nanny...so I'm back looking for a job. It couldn't have come at a worse time. I have bills that I need to get paid and I can't pay them because I don't have money because I don't have a job!! There's other things that I need to get done without having to worry about finding a job too...it's just piling up and it has me scared a little. My phone got turned off so if you want to talk to me, call Joe's phone.

I am ready for this snow to go away!! It's not even pretty anymore...it's black and nasty and ugly. No me gusta!!

I just realized how much punctuation I'm using...and I apologize. I don't know why...it's just one of those nights, I guess.

So...Joe and I traveled to Vegas, Bakersfield, and Cedar City to visit his folks. And I'm happy to report that his family ROCKS! I even got to pull a sword out of his uncle's throat...good times, good times.

Alright, I posted a little. I promise that I'll do better. I know I keep saying that. But I'm online nearly everyday, I'll make some time for this place. Nothing too eventful ever really happens to me...but I'll come up with something. I've been meaning to get back into writing more....so this will give me the perfect excuse, right?

I hope all of you are doing well. Drop me a line one of these days....it'd be good to hear from some of you! Otherwise, take care of yourselves and be careful out there in the world....it's been a very strange last couple of days....and I'm a worry-wort.

Love you all...
Jenn

Long Time No Words Written...

Wow. What a long two months it has been. Okay, so maybe not quite two months...but I know I probably should have updated. I've been incredibly busy, but still, no excuse. Last time I updated, it was Rich's birthday...

My birthday came and past. I turned 20...yeah, who would have thought? Usually my birthday has some sort of ZING to it, but this year's didn't. I don't know, I've learned not to get all caught up into the regular traditions I used to be used to anymore...there's just no point. All in all, it wasn't that bad of a day...it was just like any other. Plus, I got jipped out of the song at Texas Road House...I was pretty torn up about that. LOL.

I also started working at PETSMART a couple of days after my birthday. It's definitely been a great time. I mean, I've got awesome co-workers and I really enjoy the animals. Plus, I've been learning a lot about fish and tanks and all that fun stuff!

And, I also started working a full-time Nanny position in Greeley that started sometime near my birthday as well. I watch two girls during the day and the twin boys get home around 4:00ish. The girls are 3 and 18 months...the boys are seven. That's not all, I get to watch an additional two kids about twice a week. There's a girl who's 3 and a boy who's 2. Yeah, it keeps me on my toes, but I do really enjoy it. Working with kids is really curing my jonesing for kids, ya know?

I have two cats now. I know you all were aware of Maximus the Great but back in September, I found a little black kitten by the back dumpster. I brought her in and we named her Artemis (MISSY) and she has gotten SO big in the last couple months. She definitely gives Max a run for his money. We've got to get them both fixed soon, because Lord knows, we don't need any unexpected surprises from them....

We also had to find a new home for Lily...I know, sad day. But she's with a great family who absolutely ADORE her. Maybe someday Joe and I can get another dog (or two)...but I'm jonesing for a dog SO bad. There's just something about the cuddles, the kisses, and the look that only a dog can give...I don't know. I miss Lily, and I definitely miss Bo. *sigh* But you can't have it all, right?

I'm fighting off a cold. Working with the kids has proven some disadvantages...like, getting sick. I hate the miserable feeling...but luckily, I'm almost done with this crap (*knocks on wood*). My paycheck from Petsmart is going to be small come Friday...I called in two days in a row and left work early yesterday. I know, not the best of things to do, but dangit...I needed the rest.

I GOT A CAR! Yep, that's right. My first car ever (I mean, that's in my name). Well, Joe's name is also on the title and registration...but I'm making all the payments and everything. Joe gets to drive it...um, if there's ever any bad weather and his car won't be able to drive it. Oh, and if he ever decides to take me out on a date... Anyhow, the new baby in my life is a 96 Pontiac Grand Prix. It's in GREAT condition and I fell in love with it the moment I test drove it.

I'll have to post some pictures of the new kitten, updates on Max, my car-car, Joe and Myself, and the wonderful kids that I work for. But I'll do that some other day when I don't have to wake up at 4:00 AM the next day. True, it's only for this week since one of my bosses is in Good Ole' Las Vegas...but it does kinda kill me. Not gonna lie. I'll man up a little...what else can I do? But geez...

Anyhow, I'll do better on the updates. I promise.

I hope all is well with everyone and I'll look forward to talking to you all at one point or another.

Love and Peace,
Jenny Lynn

p.s. Christmas will be here before we know it! *dances jig* My favorite time of the seasons. I can't wait for Thanksgiving either. YAY!

Going Out To A Certain Someone...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR RICH...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Hope you have an awesome day, Rich!

~ Jenny Lynn ~

My Own Stupidity

I feel like I'm going to die.
It's my own fault though...
I'm stupid.

~ Jenny Lynn ~

A New Video

			Gladiator Kitty and Wonder Dog: This video is too cute! It\'s of Maximus and Lily Ann...

Do you ever wonder...

what the hell are people thinking?

I've been thinking that about myself for awhile now. I mean, seriously, what the hell am I thinking half the time? I'm really sick of screwing up and that's all that I seem to be doing. I can't even count on ONE hand let alone TWO the number of mistakes that I've made in the past year.

Going out on the road was an experience that I don't know if I really should've had. But then again, I wouldn't have had the chance for other things if I hadn't gone on the road. I should've just sucked it up and lived at home and gone to school. As was the plan, until I went and found the band. Now, I doubt if I'll even return to school again. Which would be another mistake, but you know....what else is new? My parents are all forms of crazy people and we're not ever going to have a relationship...but is it weird missing a family I never had to begin with? I just see the t.v. families and I wonder...why the hell aren't families like THAT? The normalcy, the closeness...it's all fake. And it sucks to realize that NO family in the world is ever like that.

I've had to ask myself what regret is. Lately, I've been dwelling on things that I closed the book on a long time ago. Is that what regret is? Because in all honesty, I've never really sat and thought about the things I SHOULD'VE done instead of all the things that I ended up doing. I'm a very impulsive person at times...and I think I've been very impulsive with my life.

I was so excited to get a new job at the beginning of the week. It's what I like to do: child care. It's great, a challenge at times, but I don't think it's going to really pay the bills that need to be paid. I can't go to school because we don't have the money for it. Can't apply for loans or financial aid because my parents claim me in their taxes and crap. I'm not really qualified to do a lot of things...and I'm too much of a wimp to stick to something that makes $8.00/hr but I hate working at the place. I know it's a hard thing to grasp onto, but I want to make money doing something that I like...not something that I HAVE to do. And I know, that's what a JOB is...it's not necessarily sunshine and rainbows...it's a friggin' paycheck. Right?

I know I need to grow up. I need to stop being a kid and start worrying about the things that are important... I'm just scared to lose the rest of my innocence (yeah, the innocence that I have left) to adulthood. I don't think this is making any sense at all...it's just really hard for me at times because it feels like I'm alone and I have to deal with all of this on my own (even though I know a lot of you care). There's just a lot of things that I'm still worrying about on how I'm going to get through and pay bills. I'm scared of being on my own. I'm scared of just being another face in a sea of people. I'm scared of letting you all down. So much is psyching me out right now...and I told myself it wouldn't happen. At least, I know that I'm not backing out this time. It just isn't going to happen.

I had the worst dream ever last night. All thanks to the movies we were watching in the last few days...Kyle XY, Dragonheart, Legends of the Fall, Mighty Ducks, and Walking Tall. Yeah, imagine a dream with Kyle XY the major plot but with all the stories tied into one. It was crazy. I can't even begin to go into detail. I woke up in a sweat to find the light off (argh!) and the closet door open (double argh!). Anyhow, it just freaks me out about things even more.

Maybe I just need to take a second for myself and breathe. Catch up with myself a little bit. I feel like I'm spinning around so fast that I've made myself so completely lost. I don't even know where I am anymore. How is this possible? I've never been this off the map before. My life right now is totally summed up in the song "These Walls" by Trapt. Perfect song for the moment.
I wish I could tell you guys everything, I really do. But I don't even know where to begin...and I doubt any of this is going to come out right and I'll just sound crazy.

I'll be fine though. I think I just need to take a moment for myself. Just be completely alone...no phone, no friends, no music. Just me. I think it's exactly what I need. I just needed to ramble a little and get things off my chest. I'm sorry.

~ Jenny Lynn ~

South Park Version of Us

one month...

until my big day.
Just thought I'd share that random fact with ya'll.

~ Jenny Lynn ~

Pictures!

Aunt Jenny and Drax watching t.v. together...

Like we need directions on how to cross the street...GOSH!
Yes, Lily Ann actually sleeps like that.
Joe being a bum...
I absolutely LOVE this kid!

A Day Without Sunshine Is...

...well, NIGHT.

Joe: You need a God in your life. Wait, you have me.

Me: Unfortunately then, that means you're Buddha!

Jenny - 1
Joe - 0

Just felt like sharing that zing time.

~ Jenny Lynn ~

p.s. Job situation...still up in the air.

Oh Boy...

...I'm in trouble! So...Saturday at work, a turtle was brought in my Shea (he's one of the Animal Control people). Shea told me that I could take it home and Erin was standing there and she totally agreed with Shea. She never said that I wasn't allowed to or not...me, being new and all, had no idea that I probably couldn't. So...I got the okay from my man to bring home Mr. T. And he's been in the backyard for the past couple days. Well, yesterday at work...Yvonne (she's my manager) found out about the whole turtle thing and said that I had to bring in the turtle sometime during the next couple days. So, I planned on bringing him back today. Well, I saw Mr. T today in the yard a couple times...but I was planning on waiting until Joe got home from work to take him in. We went out to Alberto's after he got home and before we left, Mr T was in the yard still...we were at lunch and my phone rings...it was my work but I didn't answer because it's my day off and whatnot. Yvonne left a message saying that I needed to bring in the stupid turtle TODAY...well, the problem is....he disappeared AGAIN! I can't find him in the backyard! YIKES, right? So...Joe and I decided that if it comes down to it we'll just take him in tomorrow and act like I didn't have my phone on me at all today. Okay...I just got a call from Yvonne saying that my job is on the line...guys: I CAN GET FIRED OVER THIS!!!!!!! Can we say FREAK OUT?! I'm such a nervous wreck right now...what am I gonna do??????

I don't want to call her back because I can't tell her that we left the turtle outside...that's horrible...but WHAT am I going to do? I can't not have a job AGAIN! ARGH!

Sorry. Vented. But I still don't feel any better. I suck at life....

~ Jenny Lynn ~

Life should be considered an OXYMORON.

I'm trying to figure out:
- what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.
- if I really want to go to college.
- how I'm going to get Bo out of the shelter.
- how I'm going to pay my cell phone bill.
- if I really want a blue blazer.
- how I'm going to go on Monday night with no white shoes.
- how I'm going to find the time to clean.
- why I stress out so much.
- why I'm such a horrible girlfriend.
- Lily.
- where I'm going to find a small dog that Joe doesn't think is ugly.
- why I'm such a complicated, high-matinence girl.
- life.

I don't know where to start. I'm frustrated with so much right now, and I have no idea why. I don't even know where to start with figuring out why. More or less, I just want to scream. You know, throw a temper-tantrum...

I can't even really talk about it because *I* don't even know what exactly is wrong. I just don't know where my life is going and I think that scares me a little. I just want to fast forward a couple of years.

****Symmie: I MISS YOU! You have no friggin' idea how much I want to hear your logic and all the fun stuff that you say. I should just move to Idaho....there's a thought. ****

I have to get ready for work. *groans* It's going to be busy today, I think. But, I get paid...and I might possibly be able to turn on my phone again! YAY!

Don't worry about me, I just had to bitch...sorry guys. I'm good. Seriously. Happy. :) see?

~ Jenny Lynn ~

To My Love

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR, JOSEPH SPENCER NEWMAN!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Happy 21st Birthday, my love...you have no idea how happy I am that you were born. I hope you have a great day of relaxation...and a great night out with your boys. I love you so much...

Your,

Jenny

Oh Happy Day!

Today, was a good day. Wow, that was incredibly general. I got to play and dance around in a down-pour of rain. It was GREAT! I was so soaked and the look on Joe's face when I finally came inside. It was priceless. My mother never let me play in the rain so now that I'm out of her house, whenever it rains...you can bet I'm outside dancing like an idiot. Oh gosh, it's fun...you should try it. So...that was the first good part of the night.

Secondly, I GOT A JOB! Yes, I do realize that I'm a little bit of a job slut...but this time, I really WANT this job. This is a job that I know I'm going to keep and I'm going to like. It's at the Humane Society and I get to be around animals...and you know how happy that makes me. So, I start tomorrow morning for training and everything. Ach! I'm excited. The pay isn't exactly that impressive...but my manager said that I get raises based on my work and whatnot. I start at $6.15 an hour. And I work from 12:00 pm to 7:00 pm on Monday, Thursday, Friday, and I don't remember the hours for the weekends. But, I have at least one day off a week with Joe. *insert happy dancing* His days off are on Wednesdays and Thursdays...so yay!

I had a job interview at Subway this afternoon as well. I aced it, and the manager wanted me to work for her. But, tomorrow morning I'll have to call her and let her know that I won't be able to. I told her in the interview that I was waiting for a callback from another place, and she was pretty understanding about it. So...yeah. I could work two jobs...huh, maybe I'll think on that a little....

I need to go to bed. So...I'll talk to ya'll later. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes at the Humane Society. Yippy skippy! Night everyone...

~ Jenny Lynn ~

BLAH!

blah. blah. blah. blah. blah.

That's how I feel...

I want to collapse and fall asleep for years.

You know...

like Rip Van Winkle...lucky bastard.

I'm discouraged...

I shouldn't be, but I am.

I hate complaining and I'm trying not to...

it could be a lot worse, right?

Yes.

A LOT worse.

I can do this...

right?

Please...convince me I can do this.

I'm strong.

I'm happy.

I'm free.

I must be

something...

But why do I feel like

I'm nothing?

~ Jenny Lynn ~

Is This Bad?

So...it's now 11:04 PM and I have to work at 3:00 AM. Is it bad that I haven't really had a first day of work and I already hate it? Yeah, I thought so. You know what this means? I'm not going to have a life anymore. I have to go to bed at 8:00 PM to have a decent night's rest....or, I crash right when I come home at noon and wake up at 8:30 PM and just stay awake until I work in the morning. But neither option gives me a real life... *screams* Jenny isn't so happy. I don't know...tomorrow morning I'm going to go visit with my boss and see if I can get a night job. Because if that's possible, I can still work in the morning time until I have to go to work at 4:00. But I haven't told you about that, have I? So...there's a lady who lives just down the street that needs someone to watch her year old daughter. She would need someone from 6:30 AM to around 3:00 PM in the afternoon every day. It doesn't pay so much...but if I'm able to talk to my boss about scheduling me after 4:00, then it'll work out just fine. Or, I can find a restaurant that I can work nights at. I'd still have no life...but ANYTHING is better than waking up at 2:00 in the morning and walking several blocks to be at work by 3:00. I'm sorry I'm complaining...I'm just really emotional right now. If I could, I would want to ignore myself at the moment too.

Right now, there's really no point in me going to bed. I mean, that's only about two hours of sleep...and is it really worth having two hours and fighting the blahs first thing when I wake up...or fighting the blahs now when I'm already awake? I would give anything to just say "screw you King Soopers" and find another job. But it's money and I need to start doing my share...I don't so much like being a freeloader...

That's really the only thing that's frustrating me right now...is this whole stupid job thing and kissing my social life goodbye. The job wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't friggin' 3:00 in the friggin' MORNING! I'm a wimp, okay? Deal with it.

On a better note....I'm the luckiest girl in the world because I have such an amazing boyfriend. Joe puts up with my mood and my blahs, and if I were him, I would want to strangle me or lock me in a closet for forever, but no....you know what he does? He makes me lunch, checks up on me during the day, and goes to the store for me even though he probably didn't want to. That, and his killer tacos on Tuesday night were AMAZING by the way. My man sure knows how to cook....much thanks to his mother! But yes...Joe is more than I feel like I deserve right now. He's my penguin and I'm so glad that he puts up with me...annoying quirks, bad mood, and all. THANK YOU LOVE! I APPRECIATE YOU.

I need to find something to do for the next couple hours...maybe I will take a nap...or something. I'm just not very happy and I'd rather stay like this for a while and then come home and crash in the morning. Maybe I'll just quit the job...oh, I wish.

Laters...
~ Jenny Lynn ~

Random Picture

Yes, it's a REAL sign located somewhere in the North East...I can't really remember where. I just found it in my old pictures of the road and I still think it's funny. But I'm not sure that my mom sould stop at East Coast...call me crazy.