Do you ever wonder...

what the hell are people thinking?

I've been thinking that about myself for awhile now. I mean, seriously, what the hell am I thinking half the time? I'm really sick of screwing up and that's all that I seem to be doing. I can't even count on ONE hand let alone TWO the number of mistakes that I've made in the past year.

Going out on the road was an experience that I don't know if I really should've had. But then again, I wouldn't have had the chance for other things if I hadn't gone on the road. I should've just sucked it up and lived at home and gone to school. As was the plan, until I went and found the band. Now, I doubt if I'll even return to school again. Which would be another mistake, but you know....what else is new? My parents are all forms of crazy people and we're not ever going to have a relationship...but is it weird missing a family I never had to begin with? I just see the t.v. families and I wonder...why the hell aren't families like THAT? The normalcy, the closeness...it's all fake. And it sucks to realize that NO family in the world is ever like that.

I've had to ask myself what regret is. Lately, I've been dwelling on things that I closed the book on a long time ago. Is that what regret is? Because in all honesty, I've never really sat and thought about the things I SHOULD'VE done instead of all the things that I ended up doing. I'm a very impulsive person at times...and I think I've been very impulsive with my life.

I was so excited to get a new job at the beginning of the week. It's what I like to do: child care. It's great, a challenge at times, but I don't think it's going to really pay the bills that need to be paid. I can't go to school because we don't have the money for it. Can't apply for loans or financial aid because my parents claim me in their taxes and crap. I'm not really qualified to do a lot of things...and I'm too much of a wimp to stick to something that makes $8.00/hr but I hate working at the place. I know it's a hard thing to grasp onto, but I want to make money doing something that I like...not something that I HAVE to do. And I know, that's what a JOB is...it's not necessarily sunshine and rainbows...it's a friggin' paycheck. Right?

I know I need to grow up. I need to stop being a kid and start worrying about the things that are important... I'm just scared to lose the rest of my innocence (yeah, the innocence that I have left) to adulthood. I don't think this is making any sense at all...it's just really hard for me at times because it feels like I'm alone and I have to deal with all of this on my own (even though I know a lot of you care). There's just a lot of things that I'm still worrying about on how I'm going to get through and pay bills. I'm scared of being on my own. I'm scared of just being another face in a sea of people. I'm scared of letting you all down. So much is psyching me out right now...and I told myself it wouldn't happen. At least, I know that I'm not backing out this time. It just isn't going to happen.

I had the worst dream ever last night. All thanks to the movies we were watching in the last few days...Kyle XY, Dragonheart, Legends of the Fall, Mighty Ducks, and Walking Tall. Yeah, imagine a dream with Kyle XY the major plot but with all the stories tied into one. It was crazy. I can't even begin to go into detail. I woke up in a sweat to find the light off (argh!) and the closet door open (double argh!). Anyhow, it just freaks me out about things even more.

Maybe I just need to take a second for myself and breathe. Catch up with myself a little bit. I feel like I'm spinning around so fast that I've made myself so completely lost. I don't even know where I am anymore. How is this possible? I've never been this off the map before. My life right now is totally summed up in the song "These Walls" by Trapt. Perfect song for the moment.
I wish I could tell you guys everything, I really do. But I don't even know where to begin...and I doubt any of this is going to come out right and I'll just sound crazy.

I'll be fine though. I think I just need to take a moment for myself. Just be completely alone...no phone, no friends, no music. Just me. I think it's exactly what I need. I just needed to ramble a little and get things off my chest. I'm sorry.

~ Jenny Lynn ~