Ask me to stay
tell me that I'm what you need
hold me back, I'm begging you.
You tell me
what you think I need to hear
never dreaming that all your words
are cutting me deeper.
Don't open the door
to push me through
I have no where, no one else to run to
hold me back, I'm begging you.
All that I want
is to know of your love
to know I'm the only one you think about
your words weigh more than you realize.
I'm close to walking
just to see if you'll follow
just so I know you'll hold me back
and that I don't have to beg you.
================================
I remember when I first wrote those words. I remember when I let Joe read those words. And I remember those tears. I came across this on my blog this morning. I came across a lot of things that I wrote last year and it only made this a lot more difficult on me. To be honest, Joe is the FIRST and ONLY guy that I ever saw a future with. And yet, I still managed to push him away. Most of you have NO idea what is going on with me...but in the past few days, my world has managed to completely fall apart.
For those of you who do know what's happened, don't think that I'm strong and taking this well. Because I'm not. I fall apart every chance that I get. Last night, I got drunk when I got home from Leann and Mike's place. I mean, I was already buzzing when I left their house but the minute I got home...I got crazier. I can't do this!
The story? Here it is...go ahead, pass your judgment. I deserve it.
I'm going to tell you the story of what happened. It was when I was working at DirecTech in Ft. Collins. Remember those days? I had met a couple people working there (Mandie and Jarred) and we started a tradition of meeting up at Mandie's every Friday night to drink and unwind from the past week. So...we had been hanging out on off days and drinking on Fridays for quite a while when January rolled around. And it's no secret that Jarred had always had a thing for me. He and Mandie hated Joe because they thought he spent more time on the computer than he did with me. They thought that he was too controlling when it came to our relationship. And they never hid the fact that they didn't like him...even when they came to our house. Anyway, one Friday night in particular (the night in question) I came over to Mandie's house and I was absolutely livid at Joe. Don't ask me why...because I honestly have no idea what the reason was. It was probably something he said that hurt my feelings or it was the game issue we've always had or maybe it was something else. I got totally wasted...I took shot after shot of Jack Daniels, Aftershock (EW!) and I had a few Mike's Hard Lemonades. It was me, Mandie, Jarred and a girl named Corey. Corey had it BAD for Jarred so I think that's why she was there. Anyhow, I was absolutely positively drunk and saying how much I needed to leave Joe because I was miserable with being second place in his life to a computer and his friends. I was running my mouth and I know that I said HORRIBLE things about my relationship with Joe. The last thing that I vividly remember is calling Joe before I passed out on the couch to tell him that I was too drunk to come home. And then, I passed out. I vaguely remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing some people going at it on the floor next to the couch. And I went back to sleep. The next morning, I woke up on the floor and I had my clothes on but the only thing missing were my pants. So, I figured that I must have taken them off sometime during the night and I may have just fallen on the floor since the couch was kinda small. I asked Mandie and Jarred NEVER to say anything to Joe about the things I said because I didn't want that to get back to him and hurt him....they swore to me that they wouldn't tell anyone. I also asked Jarred about who had sex on the floor and he said that it was Corey and him. And I let it go and it was also the last time that I went over to Mandie's to get drunk...I was just too embarrassed about how much I had to drink and the fact that I couldn't remember what happened. I had a nagging feeling that Jarred wasn't telling me everything that happened that night as well, but I didn't want to press the issue because I really honestly couldn't say what happened. Then, about a week after that happened they both call me and tell me that they saw Joe with another girl at the mall in Ft.CO and they were looking pretty cozy. I told them that Joe hadn't been in Ft.CO and he hates the mall but I asked Joe about it anyway. He confirmed that he hadn't been in Ft.CO and that he had no idea what they were talking about.
...Over the past couple months, Mandie and Jarred became room mates and Mandie confessed to me that she's insanely jealous that Jarred likes me so much because she thinks that she's in love with him. So, I sort of lost a good friend because she said that she can't be around me when she knows that the guy she loves loves someone else and that person is one of her best friends, as she put it. Bare in mind, that my room mates (Mike and Sara) both work with Mandie. They work at CenterPartners together. So last month, I was hanging out with a couple of friends from work and I told Joe that I was hanging out with Mandie. I know, I shouldn't have lied to him about who I was with but I didn't want to cause another issue with him because he doesn't necessarily like who I hang out with. He had no problems with Mandie so I told him that I was with her. Well, he found out that I wasn't and we had a fight. I admitted that I was with people from work and apologized and swore that I would never lie to him again. I felt so bad about doing that to him and put him through that. That same day, Mandie told Mike and Sara at work that she vividly remembers the night that I went over there and got wasted (she told them what I had said) AND she said that Jarred told her that he had sex with me. Mike came home and told Joe and of course, Joe confronted me. I confessed that I had gotten drunk and was running my mouth but I also told him that nothing ever happened with Jarred. I told him that Jarred told me that he had had sex with Corey. He believed me and we got over it. But Monday night came along. Apparently, Mandie's been telling everyone at work that Jarred constantly brags about the fact that he got me to have sex with him while I was with Joe and he also got away with it. So...Mike and Sara came home, went out with Joe, and the next thing that I know, Joe is calling me at 11:00 accusing me of cheating on him with Jarred. I found out yesterday that Joe called Jarred. And I guess Jarred told him that I made him promise me not to tell him and Joe asked him point blank if he had had sex with me and his answer? "You're going to have to ask Jenny about that." Joe took that for a yes. I don't know what happened that night. Part of me thinks that Mandie and Jarred are just fucking with me. And even if I slept with Jarred in a drunken haze, that wasn't ME. But wouldn't you think that I'd remember? Wouldn't you think that I would KNOW if I had cheated on Joe? And why wouldn't Mandie and Jarred talk to ME about it? Why would Jarred tell me that he had had sex with Corey that night instead of telling me that he had sex with me? Why would Mandie start all this drama at work and talk about me when the majority of everyone there has no idea who I am?
Joe says that he can't touch me. He says that he doesn't think he can ever touch me again because now he knows that he hasn't been the only one. We sat down yesterday and had a long talk about everything. He had originally told me that I could stay until I found another living arrangement. But I told him Tuesday that if he believes that I cheated on him and he wants out of this relationship, that that's fine...but he's going to be the one who packs his things and walks out our front door. Because I'm not going anywhere. We cried together and talked some more and then I asked him if he wanted his ring (the engagement ring) back. He started crying even harder and walked out of the room. I didn't get an answer. So...I gave him some time and went upstairs. I told him that he's my best friend and I'm not only losing the love of my life but I'm losing my best friend too and that hurts more than anything else. He told me that I was his best friend too and that he hated to lose me. I asked him if he wanted the ring back again and he said no. He told me that he'd given it to me and that I could wear it or not wear it or I could do whatever I wanted with it. Then, Mike and Sara came home and he went back to being cold with me again.
Maybe he honestly believes that I'm capable of cheating on him. You know, he's had girlfriends before me and they've all cheated on him and lied to him. Maybe he hasn't gotten past that but I do know that I'm nothing like those girls from his past. I'm different. I'm NOT them. I do know that cheating in his book is UNFORGIVABLE. Something that we can't ever get past. But god dammit! I DID NOT cheat on him. Yes, I put myself in a horrible situation and I have no idea what happened that night. Mandie won't talk to me. I called Jarred and all I got out of him was "I know you're miserable with Joe, and I don't want to see you hurt yourself anymore." What the hell is that supposed to mean?
I guess I could look at it that this probably is for the best. That it's better that this happens now than ten years from now. It just sucks balls because I was ready to spend the rest of my life with this man. My heart and everything else is totally crushed. I can hardly get through work because I can only think about Joe and what's happened. I can hardly sleep because he's next to me but his back is turned the other way. We've "broken up" before this, but this time it's different. This time, he doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me at all. And I don't know how to deal with that.
This morning, he came to bed around 4:45. We breifly talked about nothing in particular. He turned over and faced the wall on his side again and I tried to touch him and he pulled away. Do you know how that feels? Do you know how much THAT killed me? All of this is so hard for me but that moment just killed me completely. It was the moment that I realized that when people telling me to give him time and in a couple days, he'll come around or he'll miss me and want me back, yeah, that's a lie. Because he doesn't want a future with me anymore and I can't have him.
I just wish that I wasn't a ghost to him. I wish that I could talk to my best friend. I wish that I hadn't fucked up and ruined this from the start. I'm not necessarily feeling sorry for MYSELF...I'm just feeling sorry for US and what COULD'VE been.
Remember how I compared my life to a roller coaster? I can't get off the ride guys. There's only one way that I know how to and that's to jump off. And jumping off the ride scares me more than ever...
I'm lost.
- Jenny Lynn -
